Ten years ago, if you told me I was going to be living among the palm trees and warm breezes, I would have said to you, “I. bleepin’. wish.”
At that time, I was still soul-tied with NYC (among other things). I just could not grasp the concept moving out of there was the right thing to do…por moi.
That said, I can’t say I wasn’t daydreaming about it. I even told my therapist at the time how I was envisioning palm trees and ocean breezes, and how I wanted to move to Tampa.
But I LOVED New York. In fact, I’m pretty sure there isn’t anyone who loved New York more than I did. <smirk>
I’d be walking along a west-side street at sunset, tall concrete structures surrounding me as if to protect me from the noise and traffic and anything bad. Each unique in their own way, they offered only few opportunities to see the afternoon light. <heart filled with memories>
Or, I would be driving back to the city from Brooklyn, breathing in the panoramic view of the river and skyline. I’d feel such a sense of peace. I felt grateful. Grateful to be there, grateful to be alive.
Life was good.
Even after I was diagnosed with cancer and going through treatment. If you told me, at that time, life was only going to get better, sure, I would have believed you. But, like I said, life was already “good”.
But, at that time, I didn’t know just how much better it could be.
I also didn’t know how hard I wouldn’t have to fight for it to be.
<LOUD BUZZER SOUND>
Wait! No! I’m LYING!
But I don’t even know I’m lying!
I really think life is good.
I have a good husband, a good income, good friends, a beautiful apartment in a beautiful neighborhood!
I have beautiful desires, great doctors!
I have everything I need!
At least everything I need to give me a, HULL-OH…
FALSE. SENSE. OF. PEACE.
Wait, what?
You mean the “warm and fuzzies” I feel are just the result of dopamine I’m getting from my cozy distractive thoughts, maladaptive behaviors and, uh, coping mechanisms?
Well, that explains my horrible BRAIN FOG.
Jeez louise!
Because, despite all of that “good” I also feel–and am–devastatingly f*cking stuck.
